I hated you. A whole lot. I hated your confidence, your smile, your laughter, your voice. Oh how I hated your voice, adenoidal and sure. How could you be so vibrant? It didn’t help that almost everyone adored you, girls worshipped you and guys, well guys were just glad they knew you, helping them get ass and all. Goddamn I hated you.
I called to remind Him of something I thought he had forgot, a girl picked. A girl picked at 12:30am. I panicked but remained cool, “ask him to call me when he’s out of the bathroom” I tell her, we both knew he wasn’t going to call so I called back. He picked and kept quiet, I passed the information across and dropped a question, he stuttered and I broke. I ended it but he broke us. He broke us.
I began healing. Was so cold about it all. People have said I don’t have a heart, if only they knew that I had gotten enough practice that I now knew how to be numb, empty. I missed classes and friends not because I was heartbroken, no, I was ashamed. How could I face them after they now knew I was rejected, and I knew then that it wasn’t love. It was never love. It was pride and nothing else, how did he dare give all of this up for a fuck? How did he dare abuse what he was lucky to have? Pride all the way, not once was I worried that I had lost something beautiful, something wonderful. Not once. So I moved on. Onto a rebound.
You called me and I wondered how you got my number. You sent me a text on Valentine’s Day and I smiled. I saw you around and you asked to hangout, I didn’t see a problem with that because my life had been pretty boring up until that point. We had fun, visited all the cool spots, you even had me meet your friends. But I had a rebound. You serenaded me when I was upset about something you or I did. We stayed up all night most nights just talking about random stuff, sometimes just listening to our breaths over the phone, we were that comfortable. Oh and Facebook? Facebook was our bitch, we would chat about Everything.
You knew the rebound, you even let it slip once that you wished I’d end it so we could be. I laughed. My evenings became yours, your meals became mine. We were inseparable. Things with the rebound ended and I asked God to help me fall madly in love with the next person . I wanted the next to be “the one”
We rocked. You gave me the best birthday I’ve had since birth. I know I liked you a lot, an unhealthy lot but when you told me you were in love with me, I shivered. You said you didn’t want to date for fun, you wanted to be sure, well so did I. It was perfect. You showed me I was special, you showed up for me. I pulled you out of meetings to meet my sometimes unreasonable requests. You got me mad, you apologized, I got you mad, you apologized. You babied me, you knew, I knew, your friends knew, my friends knew. We didn’t date. We introduced each other as friends but we knew we were more than that. I started getting antsy, I wanted more, you wanted more but we couldn’t get it.
I stopped being exclusive. I had friends and I went on dates and you got jealous. So jealous you couldn’t take it anymore and you became cold. You were mad and I got mad that you were mad, we were ‘just friends’ after all. I sat and thought hard, I wasn’t in a situationship was I? We weren’t friends with benefits were we? I reached out and after meeting brick walls we managed to talk, you said You tried and it wasn’t working, I asked if that was the end and you couldn’t reply and painfully I moved on.
Now I can’t stop wondering why God allowed me to fall so hard for you if weren’t the one? I mean, we had a deal!!! This love business is hard and most times even all the love in the world is not enough.
I hated You. I can’t stop loving You. I will stop loving You
I wrote this about three years ago and all I can say is, time is amazing. A whole lot of things have changed. I’m laughing at the irony of it all, maybe I might write on it sometime. Maybe.