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I don’t know how to fail.

Or at least I didn’t know how to.

I’ve failed manyyyyyy times and most of those failures were academic related, no I’m not stupid. The first “big” failure was my WASSCE, I passed every subject including yoruba that I can’t speak a full sentence in but had a D7 in maths. I was scared of taking the result home because I thought my dad would be disappointed, if he was he didn’t show it. Mans gave me a handshake because I aced all others. Then I registered for neco (gce), got a private tutor to help and somehow managed to get an E8. The one that broke my heart was when I went to check my result for waec(gce) and I saw “result withheld “. I cried right from the cyber cafe, while I was crossing the road, walking on my street till I got to my room. I cried like I lost someone, I didn’t eat, I was basically mourning and my dad bought me a dress to lift my spirit (he’s really the best). The result was released finally and it was good. I was done.

Not really.

In my final year in university, the results for the previous semester were released and I failed a course. I didn’t prepare as I should have but I felt I had written enough to fly by. I didn’t cry immediately. My eyes were dry, that is until I entered my room and the gate of tears were opened. I cried for hours, then my friends came to console me and I got embarrassed and cried more. I cried nonstop for about 6 hours. I rewrote the exam and passed.

I’ve had friendships and relationships end and I’ll cry, most times not because of friends or lovers lost but because I felt I failed in keeping the relationship going, or I failed at making them love me enough to stay or act right.

Thank God for growth.

Now I’m more careful, I try to focus on whatever I’m doing to minimize the risk of failing and as long as friendships go, I’ve lost people I once couldn’t go a day without and I’m still alive. I’ve realized that sometimes, failure isn’t that bad. Sometimes it’s exactly what you need either to stop you from making a bigger mess of things, show you a better way of going about things or just keeping you from things you don’t need.

We don’t really fail, we learn. And I’ve learnt that if you can’t wing your eyeliner perfectly, you really shouldn’t plan on winging an exam and that people that want to stay will stay and once someone has made up his/her mind to leave, there’s not much you can do to stop them. Let them. It’s not failure, it’s self preservation.

 

 

“Never a failure, always a lesson”

Rihanna (or her tattoo, I’m not sure)

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4 thoughts on “I don’t know how to fail.

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