I hope my ex becomes allergic to all his favourite foods and dogs, that everytime he eats chicken his face turns red and swells and the fur on his dog enters his nose and make him sneeze. Uncontrollably. I hope he never finds a ripe banana and that all oranges he buys are sour.
I hope his trousers always tear at the crotch and that he never finds his size anything at the mall, not clothes or shoes and that he always looks for the left leg of his shoes and socks, only finding it when the right one goes missing.
I hope he loses the cap to every toothpaste he buys and he never finds a soft sponge . I hope he loses every deodorant he buys and that he cuts himself while shaving. A big nasty cut. I hope the water gets too hot too soon and scalds him bad.
I hope his porn never stops buffering and that he can never connect to WiFi even when he’s given the password. I hope his new girl makes scrambled egg with shells in them and he always find her acrylic nails in his soup. I hope she’s stupid and doesn’t know how to use the microwave and puts her shoes in the fridge.
I hope everytime he gets a haircut his barber fucks him up and makes him have a receding hairline. I hope his hair relaxes not texlax and that the hair dye comes out a funny colour. I hope his hair locs when he wants it straight and straightens when he wants it loc’d.
I hope it rains every year on his birthday and there’s a 7pm curfew by the government. I hope he gets a flat tire every Monday of the first month and randomly throughout the year. I hope his upper teeth turn yellow and he gets tongue-tied at every interview. I hope he’s miserable 14 hours every day. I hope the light goes off when he’s watching the championship finals and that his generator refuses to start and his car refuses to move.
I hope he never forgets how good I was to him and that his new girl sleeps with his neighbour, the one he doesn’t like.
I hope he’s miserable 14 hours of everyday!
A friend tagged me to a meme on Instagram. Something about wishing your ex bad after the break up and said she thought it described me perfectly. Well, I think some time should pass before you start flaunting your happiness in my face. It’s just good manners.
This is for everyone that pretends to be okay when they get jilted and wish their exes well. Deep down, you know you want them to move on only when you have. Don’t deny.