I said No today. I say No a lot, mostly to avoid people-ey situations, always for my benefit. But today I said No to something pleasurable, a heady mix of ecstacy, selfishness and pride.
Most of us have exes, not real ones though, an ex-almost, an ex-maybe, someone that wasn’t ours but was, in the twisted way that dysfunctionality provides. I say most because I’d like to think I’m not the only one, that there’s a tribe of confused lovers somewhere, a tribe that should be meeting, a lovers Anonymous group . Well, my almost-maybe called. He called today.
I had been home all morning, drifting from sleeping to eating to a semi unconscious state where I don’t even recall what grand scheme I was following through with when my phone rang and I saw the caller ID and I had a panic attack. Slightly. He said he wanted to see me and I said I was busy. Only, I wasn’t and I wondered why I lied. It upset me to think I was running like a scared little girl. “I’ll see you in 30” I said and ended the call before I had time to change my mind.
The knot in my chest keeps getting tighter and I almost took the cab guy’s insistence on entering with change as a sign to not go. I didn’t have change and I couldn’t breathe but still I went. Even though I was lying to myself, I knew exactly why I was going ; the desperate need to prove to myself that I was really over That, whatever That was.
He hadn’t changed, except for the beards, they were fuller and I almost reached to touch them. Almost. Right before I remembered they weren’t mine to play with. They. He and his beards. Everything else was the same, he still called my name softly, as if he didn’t want anyone else to hear, still hugged me like he wanted to melt into me, still fussed over my feeding, still wanted a taste of my food even though he wasn’t hungry, still stared holes into my face when he thought I wasn’t looking . He was still himself. Just like nothing changed.
I don’t know how but one minute he was tracing lines around my face “perfect dimensions, your face is perfect ” he said and I laughed. The next minute however, his lips were on my cheek and he mumbled something about my turtle neck dress before he moved to my ear, nibbling, teasing. His hands came to my waist and mine around his neck, touching, trying to feel, feeling the haze descending. This was before I felt him trying to cup my ass and the haze lifted. “I have a boyfriend ” I keep repeating as I shake my head and try to push him off me. “I’m still crazy about you, please” he said and I’m surprised when I replied that I knew but I was crazy about someone else. I’m surprised at the truth of it.
He looked hurt but I didn’t care, I wasn’t even pleased that I had turned him down, I just wanted him to know how I felt so I did. ” I have a boyfriend who’s obsessed with my tiny breasts, my jiggly ass and my weird mind. He laughs when I straddle him and get tired after 3 minutes, for some reason he thinks I’m amazing, he makes me laugh even when I’m crying and I’m utterly in love with him. I’m so used to telling him stuff that I cannot go through with this because I won’t be able to tell him and I just cannot not tell him stuff but most of all, I would never ever do something like this to him”.
I was done with That. I had said the best No of my life and I was beside myself with glee. Still am.